I DO NOT CARE!

I desperately hope that all of you have seen Remember the Titans and are pictureing the scene where Cheryl is telling Nicky all about the game and Nicky has to pull her back to reality and tell her "I DO NOT CARE!" that has nothing to do with anything really.
Unfortunately, this has been my mentality for the past couple of weeks. I simply want to have fun, to live without consequence I want to run around telling everyone I DO NOT CARE! Seriously there are roughly three weeks of school left before I graduate and move home, where I will spend roughly three months before moving to Africa. It would stand to reason then, that what I do in the next few weeks or months will be soon forgotten when I leave.
As much I as want for this to be true I know that it is so very far from the truth. I have learned over the past years that things will be remembered. There simply is no living without consequence. The rational part of me knows that this is good... better than simply running wily nilly around, but there is just a part of me that wants to be free from thinking about and analyzing every move I make and every word I say. Again, I realize that this is dumb and that I cannot live in this way. I am not certain what happened or when in happened but I suppose now I need someone shouting at me pulling me back to reality saying YOU HAVE TO CARE! I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful friends here at school who are very willing to do this for me everyday. Whether that be literally shouting at me or just a glance that says more than words ever could. I am glad to have friends going through the same things who I am able to process with and gain wisdom from. God is so magnificent, so faithful to provide everything and everyone I could every need in my life.
I was very worried at the beginning of this semester that I would be not being able to "live where I am at" that I would be so consumed with moving that I would be unable to maintain relationships well and I would be come a recluse of sorts. I am afraid that in some strange way just the opposite has happened I have worked very hard to build relationships and pour into people that I may never see again. This has been a beautiful semester of learning and growing good things have happened, but everyday is a fight to care, to not become a tool for Satan, to not give into fleshly desires.
I think some of this may simply be a way of not having to think of all of the terrifying changes that are about to occur in my life. Graduating means leaving a home and family that I have know for the last four years, moving halfway across the world... well I think we can all imagine what that means. So I guess in some crazy (and we all know I am crazy), in some crazy way simply not caring means not having to think about all those things not having to process through what is next. I have never been really good with change... and I think, looking back, that to some degree this is how I usually handle it. I guess this time it has just been more defined, more present in my everyday life. I can't say that it has all been bad, like I said I have made some great friends and really been able to open up to people that I may not have before. I have learned even more, once again, in a different way that I have to lean of God for all of my strength. Sometimes I really wish those things would just stick.... why can I not remember things like that... mmm
So there you have it, a very raw, very honest look into my life.